miss or ma’am…

A lot of the time I look at my hands as though they have all the answers to my questions…the lines in my hands specifically. I suppose a passing knowledge of palmisty leads me to think this. I don’t even know the question half the time, but oh, how I want that answer so badly…

I haven’t written here for a while, but I feel like I haven’t really got anything to share. I also forget how energy consuming a customer service job is…I seriously slept until 11am this morning (unheard of! I am a morning person…or was. sigh.) and I could go to sleep happily again even though it’s only half five…but I did want to update here, so I thought today I would share my snippets of this and that.

The little sundries and things that come to me. You know, the usual, seeing as this blog lacks any sort of structure.

Things I am enjoying lately:

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab‘s perfumes…I recently stumbled upon them and had to place an order right away. My favourite of the perfume oils I bought is the “White Rabbit” from their “Mad Tea Party” collection. Here’s the description: “Strong black tea and milk with white pepper, ginger, honey and vanilla, spilled over the crisp scent of clean linen.” I don’t know if I can smell half the things they say are in there (like the tea), but it’s a lovely clean yet sweet scent. Each perfume has a story, and the site is filled with gorgeous art work. Loves it! I definitely recommend checking them out!

Other new and well liked things…

Fever Ray is strange and heartfelt and, I think, quite catchy. This album came out in 2007, and I think that things come to you when you are ready for them, but I also think I would have liked this back in the day, too…

Other youtube habits include “my morning cup of raocow.” Yes, I am a geek, and yes, unless watching others play video games is your thing you will probably not enjoy it. But I do, and I look forward to the daily videos that go up (I’ve been watching for over a year now, so it definitely counts as a habit). It’s sort of like defragmenting right before you head out into the brave new world for the day. He tends to do stream of thought while playing, and breaks out randomly into song—something I can always get behind! Anyways, I like the intelligence behind it, and he’s a graphic designer/illustrator, so perhaps he’s not your typical gamer on youtube. Here’s the start of his An Untitled Story series (one of my favourites):

He also laughs when he dies most of the time. I like him for that.

Speaking of death, how sad is the string of suicides happening among the young’ uns these days? I look at them, and think “Fuck! They’re too young to be suicidal!” but then I realize that I totally wanted to kill myself when I was 13. It’s the worst when you’re young, because for all your naivety and innocence you can’t see the forest for the trees. People can tell you this too will pass, that things won’t always be this way, but you don’t get it.

And depression doesn’t discriminate. Ever. When I was looking up bellydance videos this past month, I came across this one:

This woman. I can sadly find out more about her death, than her brilliant but short life. People wrote epic blog posts in memorium. They wrote songs for her, dedicated songs for her…beautiful songs for a beautiful and apparently talented woman (I couldn’t find videos of her dancing, just memorial services). She committed suicide too. I am pretty sure that if I killed myself, there would not be half the outpouring of creativity and love in my honour.

Makes you wonder…when hope dies like that. Whether you are a shining star in someone’s eyes, or just someone trying to get by, sneaking past people wanting not to be noticed…(because if they notice you then they can hurt you. Yeah…been there done that…)

I have my imagination to thank for my life today. For better or worse, the thing that I think holds me back sometimes, it’s also saved me from accomplishing other things that are best left to fate.

As for imagination holding me back, it’s because it’s easier to pretend you’ve already accomplished it all in your mind then to put forth the effort (yes, I think this is an integral part of my perpetual procrastination), so yeah…

Another gorgeous song:

Still no idea where I am going, or what I am doing, but I was discussing this with Tobias. I was asking for a path to follow, a goal to aim for…and he said, “Why do you want that, when you prefer the adventure of storming through the underbrush of the forest and finding your own way?”

Good question, and I have to laugh because it’s true…

Yet like I said, I am still looking for all the answers. Or some motivation or something…jeez. Perhaps living mindfully in the moment is all you really need. I mean, if you have joy and gratitude for each moment, then it doesn’t matter what you are doing…right?

Anyways, I figure I may be an unenlightened fool, but God looks after children and fools, so at least no harm will really come to me…or I’ll get to go to Heaven when I die, or whatever that particular phrase means. I do feel blessed, for all my struggles and woes.

La…such is life.